Relocating for love: navigating couple dynamics and family bonds
Relocating for love – and dealing with parental efforts
A previous blog explored the challenges of negotiating intimacy and autonomy within the couple relationship. In this post, we turn our attention to how these dynamics are shaped by each partner’s relationship with their family of origin—particularly their parents. What happens when one partner relocates to the other’s home country? How do autonomy and connection evolve in this new relational landscape?
When parental efforts turn toxic
As two people develop their couple relationship, their parents may worry about losing their adult child to his or her new partner. The sense of loss is likely to be exacerbated if their son or daughter has relocated to another country for the sake of a love relationship.
Parents may respond to these changes in ways that unintentionally place pressure on the new couple and undermine the new couple relationship. Two problematic patterns may evolve:
- Over-involvement disguised as support: Parents may respond by becoming overly involved in the couple’s life, offering practical or emotional support that carries expectations. The couple may struggle to set boundaries, fearing that doing so would be seen as ungrateful or disloyal. A common scenario can unfold in which one partner urges the other to assert their loyalty to the relationship, while the other fears alienating their parents. The internal conflict can sound like: “If I say no to my parents, they may turn away from me. But if I don’t, I might lose my partner.” This kind of either–or thinking can create a destabilizing tension within the couple, undermining their ability to connect.
- Emotional withdrawal: It is also possible that the hurt the parents feel about perceived abandonment is expressed in turning away from their adult child. The turning away may be unconscious and very subtle. As a result, it may be difficult for the adult child to put her/his finger on what is happening and to address the matter. For the partner who has recently relocated, this distancing can be particularly painful, coming at a time of vulnerability and transition. A possible effect is increased dependence for emotional support on the partner. This may strengthen the connection within the couple or place strain on the relationship if either or both have the sense that autonomy is undermined.
Identity crisis and doubts
There is a strong likelihood that the partner who has relocated will be – at least temporarily – unemployed or will have to opt for employment unrelated to their education and training and to their hopes and dreams for a career. If their career and job roles form a significant part of their identity, they may experience a sense of loss and identity crisis.
In these circumstances, the partner who relocated may find confirmation of their identity and value in interactions, in their mother tongue, with their parents “back home.” Intensified contact with the parents may serve to tide him/her over until he/she is more established in the new country. It may also raise concerns in the “local” partner that the loved one who relocated might return to the old home country, potentially putting the relationship in jeopardy.
The adult child’s increased need for contact may reinforce the parents’ fears regarding their child’s relocation and accelerate their perceived “unsuitability” of the partner. Subtle messages to that effect may reinforce doubts and uncertainties about one’s move and about the partner, thereby impacting the couple relationship as well as one’s autonomy in the relationship negatively.
Preconceptions by in-laws
Complications may further arise because the in-laws may harbour preconceptions in respect of their new son/daughter-in-law. They may ask questions such as, “Is our child’s partner really interested in him/her or is our child being used in order to reap the benefits of our excellent social system?” or “Will we be able to relate to our grandchildren if they do not speak our mother-tongue?” Over time, such concerns may seep into the couple relationship, feeding insecurity or defensiveness.
Couple therapy: a safe space for expressing emotions and building the couple foundation
Ideally, couples are able to speak openly about the emotional complexities that arise in the context of relocation and family ties. However, these conversations can feel risky—especially if the emotions involved are perceived as threatening to the relationship itself.
Couple therapy can offer a safe and neutral space to explore and express emotions. Within the therapeutic setting, each partner is heard and supported. The therapist holds space for individual experiences and for the couple, helping them reflect on inherited patterns and clarify their own values.
Rather than severing family connections, therapy supports the couple in developing a clearer, stronger foundation—one that allows them to remain connected to their families while forming a relationship that is truly their own.