I came to Finland to be with my partner. Why is our relationship so difficult all of a sudden? Part 2
Why can it be particularly challenging for couples where one member relocates? The previous blog under this title focused on what makes it particularly challenging for a couple, where one member has relocated to the partner’s country, to develop from idealisation and projection of “negative” qualities to more mature ways of relating.
This text explores the impact of relocation by one partner on the couple’s efforts to negotiate a path between separateness and intimacy, dependency and autonomy. This is a task that all couples face throughout their existence.
What is intimacy and what makes it possible?
Intimacy refers to a sense of being emotionally connected and supported. It is manifested in sharing a broad spectrum of feelings, thoughts and experiences with one another. In the process, trust is built. Trust is also a prerequisite for sharing with the partner. The capacity for intimacy is based, in large part, on the ability to perceive and appreciate the partner as a separate other with their own thoughts and feelings. This means, e.g. tolerating the partner’s annoyance or sadness without being overwhelmed by anxiety that they are caused by oneself (“did I do something wrong?”) or spell disaster for the relationship. Intimacy also involves being able to maintain one’s own point of view.
Fear of abandonment fuels fear of being swamped
The partner who has relocated may be objectively dependent on the other, e.g. financially, or for developing an understanding of and negotiating the new society and culture. Dependence may activate fears of abandonment in the *newcomer and the partner may be surprised to find the loved one who was independent and capable in their home country being fearful and needy in the new context! If the partner had early experiences of being saddled with overwhelming responsibilities, e.g. expectations by a depressed parent to support and soothe, the dependency of the newcomer can feel frightening and suffocating.
The newcomer’s fear of abandonment may lead to emotional withdrawal from the relationship. The unconscious belief that operates here can be formulated as follows:
“If I do not open myself up to you, you cannot hurt me, even if you abandon me.” In this way, intimacy is undermined.
Threatened autonomy and anger
When we feel threatened in our sense of autonomy, as may well happen when we relocate to another country, a typical response is anger! (Think of the freely running child who is swept up by the parent and protests at the top of their lungs). And the anger is likely to be directed at the partner or at the new society/culture. Feeling attacked, the partner may withdraw, thereby exacerbating fear of abandonment in the newcomer.
A possible response by the newcomer to their objective dependency on the partner may be to refuse any help, as a way of asserting their independence. Receiving help from the partner may feel humiliating. Likely responses on the side of the partner whose help is being refused are guilt feelings and/or a sense of being rejected.
From dodgems (bumper cars) to tango
Some of our earliest experiences of separateness, individuation and autonomy are deeply rooted in the body. Think e.g. of the different ways babies and toddlers become mobile, allowing them to explore their environments. Another example relates to the development of fine motoric skills as they learn to use eating utensils (and insist on doing this all by themselves and in their own time). Often the assertion of autonomy is done in a physical way, e.g. pushing away the helping, interfering hand. Learning to assert one’s personal boundaries, including personal space, and to respect the boundaries of others is central to the developing sense of autonomy.
When Jon moved from the UK to be with his partner, Leena, the kitchen of their new home in Finland regularly turned into a battle-field. Back in the UK, Jon had frequently cooked meals for friends and had relished the pleasure they derived from eating his food. Frustrated by his struggles to learn Finnish and to find suitable work in the country, the kitchen became the one place where he could assert his competence. But he soon came up against Leena’s ideas and requirements regarding hygiene and her wish to participate.
For Jon the worst part of their kitchen encounters was the way Leena frequently bumped into him or seemed to push him aside. Could she not just say “excuse me!” if she needed to be where he was? In time, after many arguments and learning by trial and error, the two of them developed their own kitchen choreography as a friend, watching them operate, observed. They learnt to tango!
- A word about terminology: “migrant” tends to conjure up images of refugees, but these texts do not have refugees as a focus. “Person who has relocated” is a descriptive alternative term. Since it can be cumbersome, I use it interchangeably with “newcomer”.