Why is our relationship suddenly so difficult?
I came to Finland to be with my partner. Why is our relationship all of a sudden so difficult?
You have taken a huge step as a couple; one of you has moved to the other’s home country. This is probably what you both hoped for and looked forward to since months, maybe even years. Your expectations are high, perhaps the anxieties, too.
When eyes are in love
When two people fall in love, it is usually with an idealised version of the partner. The other is seen through eyes that are in love, making one maybe a little blind or overly optimistic about the “charming quirks” of the other. When the relationship develops in close contact the in-love emotions can develop to love gradually.
Idealisations are relatively easily maintained when the partners live far apart and see one another every now and then. When the distance shrinks, e.g. when they start to cohabit, things change. Conflicts are inevitable and sometimes necessary. But conflicts can be scary, linked, as they often are, with strong emotions. Based on previous experiences, particularly during childhood, one or both partners may avoid bringing certain emotions into the couple relationship, terrified that they might destroy the partner and/or the relationship.
Relocation and sudden cohabitation
In the context of a relationship where one partner has relocated, the situation is rendered more complicated by concerns like the following:
“X has made sacrifices to be here; if I confront her with the things that bother me in our relationship I will add to her burdens.”
“If I allow myself to feel sad when I miss my loved ones back home and share my sadness, it may mean that our relationship is not viable, that there is no future for us together.”
These kinds of concerns are based on patterns of emotions, thoughts and action tendencies that are likely to operate unconsciously. They are present as a vague, often distressing, sense of something, not clearly grasped or formulated. Articulating the thoughts and emotions, bringing them to light can take the edge off and potentially allow a corrective emotional experience, counter to the expectation of disaster. The safe, accepting space of couple therapy can provide the environment where this may happen.
Lessons of the past join in
Idealising the partner, and the relationship, means imbuing them with valued qualities that were missing from previous relationships with significant others and/or that we may miss and long for in ourselves. As much as we may admire the real and imagined qualities in the other, we may also envy and want to attack them. Being faced with the realities of relocation is likely to exacerbate these dynamics as the person who left her country to be with her partner may experience a diminished sense of self and a crisis of self-worth. The latter may occur due to a lack of meaningful work opportunities, limited ability to communicate in Finnish/Swedish and loss of everyday interactions with social circles in the (former) home country.
In the couple relationship, we not only imbue the partner with valued, desirable qualities. Each partner also projects rejected aspects of themselves e.g. thoughts, feelings and motivations on the partner. There they can be “safely” vilified. Recognising the projected qualities as integral aspects of our selves can be a painful and a liberating process as we let go of long cherishedand constricting views of ourselves. Relocation, too presents opportunities for personal development by challenging us to learn and to push our boundaries. This requires maintaining a balance between throwing ourselves into the upheaval, risk, confusion and excitement of change and finding continuity, calm and safety.